and the day rolls on

this morning i awoke with the feeling that I will have to live the rest of my life in disappointment.

besides that, things are just dandy. i went to huntington and bought a vase and a t-shirt. it's a great t-shirt. i would let you talk to it, but this is the internet and t-shirts are inanimate.
afterwards, i went to "ELECTRIC SEX" some myspace party that bhagli's friends were throwing.


raided.
in.
an.
hour.
everyone had to leave and bhagli, renee, stephanie, and i were the first ones out of there. we jetted and went home. but before all this madness, i was surprised to see so many guys wearing girls jeans. the worst part of it was that they were skinnier than me. (super sad face). bhagli was the mom. she had tissues and was telling jess to card the people coming in just in case. at the end of the night, we were all the mom.

now all i smell like is cheap booze and cigarettes. parties are definitely not my scene. do you think that artists are born with this specific gene? like the stereotypes that one has about an artist/writer/painter/photographer, i think they're all true. all i want right now is a home in some desolate area where I can write/read/romanticize the rest of my life away. finish college, make my money, live in a house in the middle of the forest. it sounds like the lifestyle of ernest hemmingway. are all writers doomed to depression in the woods? the city lacks beauty and that's all i want to see right now. beautiful, beautiful things.

stop blabbering, simone. i'll show you pictures from before the raid tomorrow when there is more light out.

ummm yeah..

balkan beatbox tomorrow night.
pyramid
diner.
hanging out all night.
coming home friday morning.

am bam thank you ma'am

it's a beautiful sight when you can open your eyes and the first thing you see is the wonderful surprise. your hands open wide with your best friend in sight. and you hug her so hard that it makes you cry. those years that were forgotten don't seem to surmise and i wish and i wonder why i was so beautifully blind.


but that doesn't make me believe in bestfriends again.

hmm.

as much as i didn't like living with the people of commack, i miss the town. i miss being able to drive around and listen to music blasting from my car. i miss driving home from school and instead of making a turn i go straight to barnes and noble.
i miss trips to starbucks and taking the long way home.
i miss driving really fast to the mall and driving really fast back.
i miss sunken meadow.
i miss snowy days in the park.
i miss the sunsets behind the trees.
i miss the glassy streets reflecting the barely visible lamplight.
i miss going to local shows.
i miss being able to go out till 3 in the morning and not getting fucking harassed by my parents.

the city is a lot of fun, but i hate the fact that i can't go out at night without worrying if i'm going to die or not. i have to take a train to the city just so i can go read a book at barnes and noble. there are no sunsets, there are no trees. there is no beach. no snow for the sake of snow. there are no empty streets to drive fast down. there is no mall. starbucks is fucking everywhere. it's not special anymore. all the local shows here are show shows. i can handle big city life, i can handle walking everywhere and taking subways and walking away from drunken spanish pigs. what i can't handle is the lack of beautiful things. i'm so uninspired here. i want to live somewhere that i can just be free to roam. go to a park that was made by the earth instead of man. i want to hear crickets instead of fire engines at night.

i'm such a writer. i'm a writer wishing to live a writer's life.

mmm.......chomp!

Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head?
And does he sing to
you incessantly from the place between your bed and wall?
Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes?
Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.
Does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched
And does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much?
Does he lay awake listening to your breath? Worried that you smoke too many cigarettes.

I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death.
In every city, memories would whisper, Here is where you rest.
I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees and
I settled for a telephone
And sang into your machine.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

I like your band.

well, i am sick from waiting outside for a ride last night for an hour. that's right, i waited in the cold for an hour. I think frost bite was starting to set in because after a while, I stopped shivering. We took massive amounts of pictures by some cracked out doorway, sang "Roxanne" with a voice like Billy Cosby and we danced the night away.

The fun part was when we saw one of the twins! That's right, and I don't mean Mary-Kate or Ashley, I mean one of the Blonde Redhead twins. He was with some short asian girl and I was in my mind saying "What Happened to KAZU!" Bhagli said a short "I like your band" and he gently said "thank you" and walked away. I wish we pulled a Steve Tyler with our digital cameras because me and bhagli were well equipped.

hahaha...now I have the shakes, a stomachache, and I have to get better for the trip tomorrow or I can't go. my dad is freaking out because we're driving there but he shouldn't have to. We're going to be fine, and if my dad can't trust on that then how am I ever suppose to move out? I wanted to concentrate on working today, but i can't seem to get my back out of the question mark stance. I think I might throw up as well.

in my little town

so...good news and bad news.

the good news is i think the fever has broken, but I'm still sick feeling.
the bad news is i'm not going to albany this weekend because of my sickness. my mom thinks it's a good thing due to the fact that i've been stressed out this whole semester trying to bring up my GPA so i can be eligible for internships.
I'm doing well enough, i just got an a- on my communications paper so that's always good. I should be getting a's in that class due to the fact that..that's my major.

Anyway, I feel really bad that my fever has broken and I'm able to function once again and I can't go to Albany and function there. Don't you hate when that happens? Just when you cancel events or special occasions, what was holding you back disappears? I really wanted to Jaki and Michelle. They're my favorite people in the world. It was hard starting college without a single person i knew with me there. It felt like the beginning of high school all over again. Jaki and Michelle are my rock. they are always goofing off and having fun. Last night when at Bhagli's party, I was going all wild like I do when I'm with them. No one understood the humor.

I'M SO SORRY JAKI!!!!! I'M SOOO SORRY MICHELLE!

I should be shot in the head. Anyway, tomorrow there shall pictures of me and Bhagli in cracked-out doorways.

Everyday I seem to nod away.
And when I wake up,
Everything is different.



I should be studying, but all I think about is Spring Break. Damn professors for making midterms on the last day of classes. It's like their work isn't enough!

heheheh...i'm in with the trends

i got a digital camera this weekend. FEAR ME! for now I will be haunting people and flashing them in the eyes with my studdly camera. I should name it something due to the fact it's my newest toy. And now my theory of growing up:

As we get older, our definition of "toy" grows older too. Instead of dreaming about that new Barbie doll or GI Joe, we instead want adult toys. I'm not talking about sex toys like whips and chains, but like mechanical crap. How many of us "adults" have an iPod? A Digital Camera? Even a cellphone? We have all these little gadgets and instead of that stuffed animal at Toys R Us, we buy the computer at Apple. Our image of what is youthful and "hip" changed. Back when we were kids, our entire lives were devoted to fun and interesting games outside or inside. Things like play house or playing doctor were make believe. Now that we are older, the house is real and if you want to be a doctor, you could really be a doctor.
I don't know, I just think everyone's perspective changes. We still may want that limited edition Barbie Doll with the pink pumps, or we might want the Jimmy Choo pink pumps we saw on Sex and the City.

The end.

I'm such a liar

[30 Aug 2003|06:42pm] I've come to this conclusion: I don't want to write poetry anymore.

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I am such a liar! I went through my whole entire livejournal to find every single poem that I wrote since then. I wrote 34 poems since then. This is the "last" poem I wrote earlier that day:

Quotes
I don't want to be those "poets".
The ones that sit in coffee houses;
Drinking coffee, pouring emotions
Into a silver spoon; ripped from their mouths.
"Oh, woe is me; my life has no meaning."

Words lack feelings.
My feelings are dead.

Poetry: recognize the emotion;
Stuff it, mount it, place it
On this pedestool.
Praise such as "I like it a lot."
Instant smiles.

Phrase that numbs the disappointment.
I won't describe my poetry;
Not worthy enough to describe. To teach,
The unbearable thought of "potential".

I don't want to become one of those "poets";
The ones with black hair and black clothes.
Drinking brandy, smoking cloves.
Turning each memento into a philosophy;
"My philosophy on life is that life
Is dead."

I don't want my common sense erased;
Turning my words into metaphors
So that a teacher could read it in class.

I am not a hallmark card.
I do not want to move "the soul".
I just want to be me;
If that could be any more cliched.
I just don't want to be one of those "poets".

Then once again, another proclamation:

	[21 Jan 2004|09:53pm]
For those who don't know: I QUIT WRITING! Have a nice day.

There are sailing ships that pass

I wish that I can tell you so much more of my life. I wish I could tell you that I drift off into a land. That I like to watch people eat, that I live for everything. I wish I could tell you that I love beauty and I believe beauty is everywhere. I don't believe in ugly people. It's all in first glances that I find them unattractive, but after a while of staring, they're physical features blend together to create a portrait painted by DaVinci. I wish I can tell you that I want to be the wind. I want to fly away and see the world. Wind has so many advantages. it's colorless, sometimes odorless, and organic. It gets to travel across every ocean, every crevice of land, everyone's skin. I wish I can escape. I wish I can write a fuckin' poem. I wish I can tell you that I stare out in this void. I wish I can tell you that I want eyes in the back of my head. I wish I can tell you everything.

I was looking out the window yesterday. It was mid-day. The snow was melting and the sun was shining. It was beautiful. I tried to write a poem and my words seemed like swarms of fish in the sea. No organization, no talent. The only thing I wish for is a vision where I can look at anything I want, but people can't see that I'm looking at it. Like really dark sunglasses, minus the sunglasses. But I look normal. I think I'm going nuts.

I'm reading Kant in my philosophical ethics class. In my interpretation, I think he determines that everyone has a plan. Nature has planned everything out for us, all we have to do is follow by it. Nature will do everything and then you'll die. It feels too restricting and realistic to feel that way. i guess I'll have something to talk about in class tomorrow.

Hmm

Which will be my better fall?
The one closer to the edge
Or the one furthest from it all?

having a good day

All i ate today is coffee. I also had breakfast of tuna fish. I sat at home doing nothing for millions of hours and now I decided to do the work that's due for tomorrow.
I'm such a procrastinator, it's disgusting. i watched "Upton Girls" on demand today. And I cried. Stupid ass movies. I HATE YOU!

Actually, I don't becuase I have a love affair with movies. Rob liked my gift to him. That's good. Now I want to finish my work so I can reward myself with a shower and food.

Au Revoir

Blah Blah Blah

Yesterday my aunt came home and my grandma threw a big party for her arrival. it's because my aunt is the favorite over my mom. So we ate, with barely two families together.

Before nous avons mange, I had to call a jazz club for my dad and his friends to go to after dinner. My mom yelled at me because I wasn't doing it properly, when the fault goes to her. She kept on yelling in my ear as I was on the phone and I seriously have no patience to listen to two people's voices at one time.


Apres diner, I came home and watched Y Tu Mama Tambien. I thought it was just going to be a soft-core porn, but it was so much more. I'm not saying that I'm into soft-core porn, I'm just into independent films by directors who made kids films like Harry Potter. It was amazing. And just to spoil the ending for everyone, Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna make out.

I hope you enjoy the movie!

I actually like this one (a little bit)

fearfully i place my hand over my heart. the beats of the blood remind me of the beats of the drum. boom boom boom goes the wicked lies. one by one the numbers fall down from the sky. and i can fly. far from this horrid world to the subtle changing colors of an autumn afternoon. am i just as stupid as i appear to be. this comfort of mortality. keeps me from breaking all that is good to me. i am just a mystery. my hand around my heart keeps me from the fatal wounds of shotgun blasts across the wombs. the tombs of empty frost bitten night can never replace the slow thunderous grasp that was once light. i am the master of my own demise. my hand has fallen from where my heart lies

There is no such thing as love. Everywhere I look, it's just passion.

And that's what I want to feel. Passion.

A letter to you (where ever you are)

Hey. So I was thinking about you the other day. Actually, I don't stop thinking about you. I always think about you. About your smile, your hair, your face. You were the best musician I knew. So graceful and delicate. And i know you weren't delicate. Wrestler, gymnast, fighter. You were both strong and graceful. I loved everything you were. I didn't care what other people thought or said because you were just beautiful to me. I heard that you thought I was beautiful too. Why didn't you ever say anything? Why did you lurk in the corners as we had our chances to be perfect? Everytime I dated someone new, you would look at me like you had lost me. And I would do the same. But you never lost me. How could you lose a person who never left in the first place.
I am yours. All you had to say was I was yours and it would be perfect. You had everything in front of you, but you chose to take another course. Another perfection of mental bliss. You take drugs, alcohol, and sex instead of me. Why did you have to leave me with your guitar? your passion? your life?
I saw you only once after my realization. I saw you at prom and you were alone and I was there and you could have said something. Didn't you know that I was physically gone from that place? DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT I LOVED YOU! Oh God, I fell in love with a person I never could have. Now that I am gone, I can't find you anywhere. I can't hear your guitar. I can't hear you sing, I can't see your smile or you smiling at me. You made me feel like a flower amongst weeds. You made me feel.
But now you are gone. Now you are somewhere with your drugs and imaginary dreams. I am just a dream to you. I am just a dream.


Love,
Simone.

This is on your mixtape

you know what i haven't done in a while?

layed in my bed with music playing. I used to stare at my ceiling and dream away the day.

There's so much slut everywhere!

I hung out with Jakey and Robby and like...3 other guys that go to Commack but i barely know. This was before they had to go to Radio Music Hall to see Interpol. Gosh, I wish I wasn't a douche and bought tickets. They have two of my favoritest bands playing. 1.Blonde Redhead 2.Interpol.

Yes, I'm a douche. But at least I had some fun.

Je suis drole

Well, I gave in and went to Commack today. It was fun. Met up with Stacey Lu which I haven't hung out with in like forever. This was before graduating high school. It's so cool. We drove around, drank starbucks, went shopping, and did the average things that kids from Commack do.

I hate that place.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day and I'm getting sad because my cd player just died and I can't get new songs on my iPod. I must suffer until my computer is upgraded (small yay). For some reason, i never want to go home anymore. I think I've finally got the feeling that my home is not my home anymore. Time for me to move out (if you know what i mean).