What I did my summer

Why am I so jealous of something I don't even have?

I used to have and I don't care to ever get back, but I look at them and I look at them and I feel suffocated. He's such a fucking asshole. I hate him for leading me to something and then pushing me off the cliff. I don't even like him anymore, but to just see them together. To see pictures of them together. To watch as she wallows in pain and agony over him as he rejects all emotions for her. To read her ache and feel the tears that may heavily swell within her eyes. To hear him be excited to speak to me and then leave me alone once again. I feel like a fool. I feel completely miserable and this whole summer wasn't enough pain for me. What an asshole. So why am I so jealous of osmething I don't even have? Something that makes my breath short because I'm afraid of the constraints. Something that makes my fear of settling for whatever comes my way pulsate like a migraine. Am I being retarded? How is someone like me suppose to announce her true feelings to someone who may or may not feel the same way. I feel this way and I don't want to. So the enclosure around my heart makes me lonely. And I contemplate what the real reason why we are earth for. I don't want to be contemplating my whole life away. Then the only reason why we're alive is to dream and then to die.

Think about it people. Think about growing older and sooner or later dying. Think about that for a few minutes and you will really know how I have felt all summer. Think about how that little thought culminated into a summer of depression and anxiety attacks. How I couldn't sleep or even eat because all I can think about was my probable future. Life happens when you're busy making other plans. John Lennon wrote that. He's dead now.

Wasteful summer, you are finally over. School begins on the 31st and I couldn't be any happier. I think the happiest i've been is when i'm hanging out with friends and not thinking so heavy. I haven't been doing a lot of writing or actually doing a lot of the things that I loved to do before this summer started, but I did take up some other intersting hobbies that will keep me occupied for a while.

Regina Spektor is fucking awesome and that's all I have to say.

Take your time, you're still young

yeah so the guy who invented the moog died. funny, but his last name really was "moog."

the threat of life is taking over me. I feel a little bit more alive with each coming day. I'm afraid that it will spoil and I will be gone too soon. I saw the last episode of Six Feet Under. It wasn't a good idea due to the fact that I'm in a seriously bizarre mental state. I cried my eyes out watching the last fifteen minutes which New York Times considered the most redundant last minutes of a great tv series. To end a show with a positive outlook in life is always good, but to travel more than 80 years into the future to watch how all the characters of the show dies is ridiculous. I want this stupid thinking of mine to end. Just stop thinking all together. It's only when the room is silent and I'm thinking on my own. Sometimes I just wish I can be ignorant and live my life without ever havnig the knowledge of what's going on. I've been very very depressed. Is it just me or is everyone around me feeling the same way like life is moving too fast? I think I might have broken my head somehow.

I felt better after punching the crap out of Renee's pillow and imagining how I would defend myself if a buglar came into my house. I had my scissors gripped in my hand so tightly that my knuckles were white. At least watching 50 First Dates made me feel a little bit better. Sleeping makes me nervous too as though I will never wake up.

is it bad that i keep on hoping for something to happen with him when i know that nothing ever will? i'm being really stupid, but i don't know how else to act. he makes me laugh and he's very sweet, but he could have anyone he wanted if he tried.

whatever, i'm a reject from the start.

wow paralyzing fear taking over me again. i thought i was finally over it when i hung out with keith last night because i didn't feel it at all, but i guess i was wrong after thinking about my future in the year 2080.

BELLE AND SEBASTIAN ARE PLAYING IN AMERICA!!!!

BELLE AND SEBASTIAN ARE PLAYING IN AMERICA!!!!

New York precisely and the tickets are on sale August 12th at 10AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDDD....SO ARE THE PIXIES. My dreams are coming true.
oh man oh man oh man.
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