For the Damaged

maybe again
he will be.
alone.
guess we
equally
d a m a g e d.
find your name.
do all the same.
equally.
signal when you can't.
breathe
no
more.

say you were me.
and you can see the
view.
you know.
we are
equally.
d a m a g e d.
don't be a fool.
make it easier.
and learn to say when.
signal if you can't.
say
no
more.

oh,
don't cross your finger.
some days.
will never change.
they keep on coming.

it'll be a free.
and i can be.
~Blonde Redhead


My heart drenches with wilting flowers. And the pressed roses in the yearbooks crumble in the hands of this 20 year old. I am equally repugnant and misfortunate. These wounds they reopen their seals. and. i. am. damaged. Like the words of the song how swiftly they fly through the air. like pigeons on the voyage across the country.
but.
who.
will.
fly?

How many times I try to write the words. try to put them down. try to keep them shut up. inside the rural areas of my mind. i am not my mind. i am not in my world. i am here. and this mirror of myself is the cluster of rings. they ring in my ears. ringing like shattered mirror glass.
say.
no.
more.

When I write, the words don't express themselves. I express myself, but there is no feeling. no lust. no remorse. no r e g r e t. what happened to what i write? what happened to the first to the second to the last lines? they blur on pages and read like reading is fun. how did i get myself stuck in the reality of the words? how did i get lost in the tundra of pillars. these pillars. these caveman drawings on the walls of city museums. they shit on buildings and the pigeons fly south for the winter.
they
never
go
away.

Just one more chance. I need another chance. to reinvent. to underestimate. to become my one true self. to be more than what a yearbook preserves of me. i am not the happy face. i am sad face. i am sad. there is no more remorse. there is no more regret.
no
more
me.


Let me die or let me be. I rather not live in the misery. the segments of raindrops stuck on windbreakers. the dyed fur coat. the swipe of the consumer card. the brush of the hand. the kiss of the cheek. the lashes stuck to faces. i don't want any of the love of my life. i want to be away. to be away with you. you should come along. and follow the footsteps of the horses. through the merry-go-round. that is. that is life.

i am on top of things this year. not in the doing well on papers/tests, but i am on top of things.

i can go for a party with lots of cigarettes. mmm...no wait! i'm not suppose to say that because cigarettes are the devil. THE DEVIL I SAY!

i bought a jump rope today to keep up my cardio. I'll be doing fine.