Books

I have this impulsive thing where I buy books.

Most women go to shoe stores and buy 3 pairs of shoes they don't need, I have that same feeling with books. I don't need them. I'll be in the middle of four books at the moment, but I need to buy more books. It's impulsive.

This is probably one of the reasons why I can't go to Barnes and Noble or The Strand by myself. I will buy a book and a cd and a magazine and maybe three more books.

I need to stop.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

OH MAH HOLY!

Loafers, Loafers, LOAFERS!

When I was a kid, I used to wear these penny loafers. My mom would help me put shiny pennies in the slots and I think those were the only shoes I ever really enjoyed wearing.

Now, they're a fashion icon and that weirds me out because I thought they died with the 80's and 90's. It makes me want to buy a pair.

Old Habits Die Hard

I was told to throw these away a while ago.

But then I realized how much I would miss them if I let them go.

So I keep them in the back of my closet and wear them out once in a while.

Because I just love them that much.

Perfectly aged and worn the way I like them. New and shiny things never really keep their luster for long.

Horoscope Today

If you have been led into love by an unfulfilled fantasy, this is your chance to change your pattern. This isn't necessarily the end of a relationship, but it can be the beginning of a deeper form of intimacy that is based upon increased honesty with yourself and with others. Romance can be even sweeter when illusions no longer muddy the water.

What's In Hollandaise Sauce?

Whenever we go out to brunch, Sable always asks "what's in hollandaise sauce?"

Well according to Wikipedia, it is an emulsion of lemon juice and butter and combined together with egg yolks. Commonly eaten with eggs benedict, it is so named to mimick a Dutch sauce of the same caliber.

So you eat your eggs with more eggs. An egg sauce. It's kind of gross to eat in excessive amounts but it's delicious to have an egg sauce with your eggs.

Much like egg salad where the ingredients (the main ones) are eggs and mayonnaise. Similar to a hollandaise sauce, mayonnaise is also made as an emulsion of ingredients and its most common and main ingredients being eggs. Eggs with eggs; talk about your cholesterol count.

What kind of interests me the most is the fact that people don't really question things like "what is in mayonnaise?" or "what is in hollandaise sauce?" They just like the taste and slather it on anything and everything. Don't ask questions. It just makes things more complicated than it already is.

That's the form of thinking I want to follow. You can't go wrong with that.

To the Tune of "I Kissed a Girl"

I drank soy milk
And I liked it.

Watchmen Trailer

YES YES YES!!!

I must be insane to go skating on your name

Whenever I see the sunset and I'm in a moving vehicle, I feel like I'm chasing the sun.

Kid lunches

Yum
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Gonna need a home

I've been listening to a lot of my old music. I always tell myself that I need new stuff to listen to, but all I have to do is just go through my ipod and put on a throwback.

God, I can't live without the stuff. If I were ever addicted to something that I could never give up no matter how much I struggle, it would be music. It's a drug within itself and I'm a hardcore user.

Sometimes I Wonder About My Sanity

Yeah. I play with my food! Shut up!

You Can Have it All, My Empire of Dirt

I was just perusing through some old Johnny Cash footage on youtube and I found this one. I haven't seen this video since it came out. Although Trent Reznor did the original, I find this cover of it to be extremely moving and almost spiritual.

Believe! Believe! BELIEVE!

Jesse Conrad: Were you sleeping lama?
Lama Norbu: No, I was meditating.
Jesse Conrad: What's meditating?
Lama Norbu: It is being totally quiet and relaxed, separating yourself from everything around you, setting your mind free like a bird, and you can then see your thoughts as if they were passing clouds.

Even though this film was pretty much a bummer due to Keanu Reeves playing...The Buddha, I thought it was most agreeable with my own mindset.

People write off Buddhism right away because they think it's another foreign religion. Something along the lines of Islam or Judaism. I remember the other day while I was waiting for a friend in Union Square, there was a heated debate between a man and two young teenagers about religion. The two teenagers were those Jesus Freaks who were trying to convert any "lost soul" they can find while the older man was basically a Nihilist.

And they went on back and forth about the presence of God and how He can save you if you only believe and the teenagers were trying to convert him. They were trying to press him for things like "were you abused as a child?" "have you done drugs?" and other personal questions along those lines.

The man answered them, but then proceeded to shout on the top of his lungs the non-existence of God. "Where was God when they were dropping bombs in India? Where was God when a flood took out Louisiana? Where was your God then?"

The man mentions something about meeting an Arabic man who wasn't Muslim and the Christians write him off to be a Muslim and therefore a threat which is completely idiotic, biased, and close-minded.

They both were making such a mess attracting a large crowd and spitting on each other as their voices raised higher and higher above the sounds of street performers. And that is where I think to myself, "enough is enough."

I've always been a religious person. You don't see me in church every week, but I do pray and I do believe in God and the things He's capable of and everything like that. But what I don't believe in is recruitment. This is somewhat of a Buddhist belief. Buddhists never believed that they are practicing any kind of religion. I always found it to be more of a philosophy on life. "Free your mind and you will free your soul," things. So they have a lot of respect for the religions. People should be let to believe whatever they believe and it shouldn't be forced upon them by preachers or non-preachers.

It's all about what you believe and if you believe then that's great. If not, no one should be telling you what you should believe and what you shouldn't because that's just unfair and completely against a belief that all religions believe: free will.

And so I go listening to this man and these teenagers and I find myself starting to float away; as if taking on a meditative state like the character from the movie. Free your mind and you can free yourself and perhaps that will lead you closer to whatever ending your belief believes in. It's all about open compromise in my eyes.

Hmmm...

All the worrying hasn't paid off.
I finally am relaxed for a bit.
I took a photo of some random stuff on the floor because I thought it looked beautiful to me.



Sandals/Footwear

Bags

Shoes/Footwear and Bags

I Underestimate Mice

I had set up some more traps around my cubicle and general area. I thought that with these traps, they'll be scampering everywhere and I would come to work in the morning with three traps filled with dead mice.

However, I have underestimated mice and I should have known this. Why should I have known this? Because I've watched Ratatouille enough times to know this.

The first time I caught a mouse, I had just set up the trap and the mouse ran right into it. Dumb guy. The second time I did it, no one came. And so after weeks of waiting for something to happen, I left some bait. My boss had been eating a bag of peanuts and so I took the wrapper's top and placed it ever-so-gently into the trap. I knew I would be grabbing myself a mouse today.

The next morning I come in.

The trap is still set.
The wrapper is gone.


Those damn mice! They're so damn smart! BAH!

Asian Girls Love Them White Dudes

I was reading through one of my blog subs and I found this old post from a site called "Stuff White People Like".

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/01/20/11-asian-girls/

According to this post, white people go to such lengths as:

White men love asian women so much that they will go to extremes such as stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia (you know who you are CLAY!), playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as UBC or UCLA (please note that both schools’ colors of “blue” and “yellow” are intentional also the “A” in “UCLA” stand for “Asian” while the “B” in “UBC” stands for “Billion” try and figure out what the rest of the letters stand for).

This part I can actually vouch for:

asian women well into their 30s and 40s retain teen / college girl looks without the help of botox, yoga or a trendy diet (future posts). Asian women also avoid key white women characteristics such as having a mid life crisis, divorce, and hobbies that don’t involve taking care of the children (also future posts). Should white guy / asian girl marry, they produce hybrids that are atheistically pleasing, but are very annoying. This practice is also a means by which white people can catch up to the asian peoples in the population race, as most of the hybrids often act white rather than asian.

Yeah, we don't age like that. We're like the new vampires. Chomp.

The Same Mistake Twice

People constantly tell me not to pick on my face. Or just on my skin. I have this tendency to torture my body for no good reason.


It's not the first time I've ever done it and it definitely won't be the last. I don't know what it is with my head but it has to believe that everything is perfect. If there is a problem, I have to do everything I can to blot out the problem and if it leaves a scar I know it will eventually heal.

Sadly, these things don't work out well with my life. When there's a problem, I can't scratch or smack or squeeze it out. I have to learn not to throw fuel to the fire. I have to learn that some things if you leave them alone will go away on its own. Eventually.

So what I have to do is keep still. Don't make any sudden movements and hope that the things that are imperfect will become perfect again.

Obviously, it will because I'm only so young.

You Can't Find the Answers Online

Sometimes when I'm bored, I look up random questions online. I would just google the questions and read the results. Most of what people write as answers is the same, but some are completely out of left field.

Then there's the thought that maybe these questions don't have answers because every situation is unique and every problem has a million outcomes and you can't just pinpoint it down from one or the entire web's perspective and experience.

It gets frustrating and complicated at times because you want one thing, but you can't have it and the things that you don't want you have. It's a vicious cycle of want and have and need. And so what do you do? You keep moving. I think I like it best when Sam talks about it in "Garden State":

Andrew Largeman: Fuck, this hurts so much.

Sam: I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.

I have to live my life because I can't stop it from going if I have one problem or another. I have to face facts and reconsider options. I have to stop making myself fall into such ridiculous patterns and load my life with opportunities and good thoughts. A friend of mine told me yesterday, "just don't worry about things. Everything will work itself out."

Maybe he's right. Maybe our trouble is that we force things to work in a way that will suit our own needs. We bend our fingers back until they break. And when they break, what is there to do? You have a broken finger and you're in pain. The answers aren't just going to force itself out. The answer may never be found, but I can't just stop living and waiting for the answer to arrive. It's such a trivial part of my life. It's a big part and there are people who are a big part of it but I have to realize that even though the things I want aren't bending the way I want them to bend doesn't mean that they just removed themselves from being a big part of my life.

I remember I had gone to a pool party with all of my friends. We were pretty much having a great time until the rain started to pour. Everyone scurried out of the pool and ran for some sort of shaded area. What's the point of running when you're already wet? I thought. I had just arrived and hadn't had a chance to wait my hour after eating to go into the water. The day was getting a bit more cold and the rain seamed to turn into a storm. Lightening struck and thunder would roar, but I was ready to jump into that pool.

So I did.
I was the only one.

It's interesting to watch the water drops falling into the pool around me. It's almost if the sky was sucking the water from the pool and into the clouds. They were doing the reverse and almost vacuuming up the water for its own clean up. Of course, I was forced out of the water due to safety reasons.

Just because I'm ready to jump off the deep end doesn't mean that everyone is ready to jump with me. All I can do is swim and just keep swimming. Eventually, they'll get the nerve to make the jump and be as crazy and lunatic as I am to be in such frigid water, but maybe it won't be as bad because there will be someone next to me. Even if it's not the person I thought it would, I have to keep on swimming otherwise I'll catch hypothermia.

So all this searching for an answer in life and whatnot doesn't make sense if you're googling the questions online. It's like submitting questions into a question-and-answer machine and poof! There it is. The answer to everyone's fatal questions. It's much more complicated than that. They made this life so difficult to decipher and all I can do is see what the next part of my life is going to bring me.

I'm not saying that life is always like this. I'm just saying that you can't find the answers online.

It Barks When They're Ready

Hot Dog Cooker barks when the dogs are ready to eat.

Game, Set, Match

What makes life simple? What turns the ordinary day into an extraordinary day? Is it the time you take to make every day yours? Or is it possibly just the feeling that you're not alone.

I figure life is like a board game. The rules are simplistic. You roll the dice and you keep moving forward. Everyone has the same end; the same finish line. The point of the game isn't getting to the end, but the ride to the end. Some people move quicker than others. Some people take short cuts, but our end is the same.

Of course, the game isn't Point A to Point B. There are twists and turns to the path. You roll the dice and it takes you into a dark forest or a patch of choppy water. There's no stopping you from doing so because that's what chance takes you. However, it's not all about chance. It's also about choice. The path doesn't have one, but several different outcomes. You take one road, and you're leading this life, you take another road and you lead another different life. It's all about choices and chances.

Recently a friend of mine has told me he feels "stuck." Being a close friend, I can feel he is stuck as well. He's been going to school for a very long time and really just floating around like dust but never really settling. I've known him for a while and all I've ever known is an ambitious wide-eyed kid not from New York raring to see what the world has to offer. However, I think those ambitions are stuck somewhere inside of him and he has the option to move forward with the game, but refuses to make the move. I think he thinks he's at the end of the game and now he has to choose the door prize. It's an important decision.

I feel that way too sometimes. Like I'm driving down this road, but I'm lost. I take a left but I don't like what I see up ahead so I go back to where I started and take another road. I keep on backtracking and second guessing but I know eventually I'll run out of options. I'll have to make a choice and I feel that this choice will have to be made soon. I feel the same way for my friend.

Gambling and Decision Making. If you don't make the decision at this point in the road, then you keep on rolling dice. You keep on trying to move and you feel your body is moving (the time is going by) but you find yourself going nowhere. There's no other way around the matter. You choose the path and by luck it's the right one. And if it isn't, we humans have the ability to evolve and change ourselves as long as we have the motivation and the passion to do so.

In life, everyone gets a second chance because the choices we make are completely reversible. You need to have an open mind and a strong gut in order for this to happen. Things get complicated and sometimes it doesn't look like there's any good way around it, but we need to keep moving forward in order to get to another point in the road.

I have been gambling and making decisions all my life. Every move I've made I don't regret and the mistakes I've come across aren't as big a mistake as I thought it to be because I keep in mind that there will be a better outcome. I don't entwine my life with distractions and depend on addictions and outside substances. I keep open minded. What I think, I don't keep in stone. I always change my mind because it won't hurt anyone except for myself if I don't.

I hope to keep moving forward until the game has finally gotten the best of me.


Music:

If you like fake blood, corny corny corny moves, cartoons, dead people, ghosts, and she & him

Then you will like their first music video for "Why Do You Let Me Stay Here."

My new aspiration in life is to be Zooey Deschanel. I want to be that happy and giddy. And her style. And her...

I Wish Life Were This Simple

I have written in this blog endlessly about the mind-numbing things that I go through everyday. However, the entries I only really enjoy writing are the ones where I explain theories and ideas I have created from things like life, love, and my pursuit for happiness. That's why I have renamed my blog for the third time. This my calling. I have always been good at helping people out and my theories are strange, but if you think about it might give you some enlightenment? If not, it will just be good old entertainment. So here is topic #1000 from a list of endless ones.



Sigh. Although I'm not a crier when it come to sappy romance movies, I am a sucker for them. Sitting alone at home with some treats and some pathetically upsetting movies where everyone gets who they want in the end is just the perfect night for me.

Kyle thinks they are poison because in reality things don't work out quite that way. Life isn't as easy as the movies prove it to be and life isn't made of up of days looking for the "one true love". Yes, that's the realistic way of looking at it. People don't just go waltzing through life switching partners until you find the one partner you want to dance every dance with. There are different factors like money, their place in life, sex. But even with all these different factors, it shouldn't keep you from being with someone. What person would want to be a cat lady? No one does, and those who feel that their relationship is not working out just think too hard.

Falling in love is the easy part, making a relationship work is tough, falling out of love is completely impossible. I think that finding someone to love is easy. You date, you see each other, you fall in love. Everything else, outside sources, come in and swoop that love out. Instead of our hearts we think with our heads. I am one of those head thinkers. I think so much that my head could possibly explode, however, I also use my heart. The heart thinkers don't just find an emotion, but someone who you can share things with. It's a friend, a lover, and a commitment to them. That's it. It's very vanilla, at least it is to me.

People complicate things by forgetting that being in love with someone is completely different than being in a relationship. Relationships are hard. You have to remember you're not the only person in the world anymore. You care about someone else and you have to support them and care for them and comfort them. It's emotionally draining especially if you're an old soul. However, if you love the person you are in a relationship with you don't mind as much. You want to do these things for them and even if you feel the emotional drain you don't care. Because you want them to be happy and their happiness makes you happy. It's a different type of happiness than the one you can create on your own. Because this happiness is brought to you by someone else.

Happiness is somewhat hard to find in a town like Manhattan. People find their own in the bottom of a pint of beer, others find theirs at a quiet shady place in the park. I find mine in what I write everyday. However, when someone makes you happy instead of something, then wouldn't you want that happiness around? It's not your only source, but it makes you feel good and you want to have it everyday. I wish it was so simple to relay this information to sources that will not be named. It can't be any simpler than that.

The Jasmine Situation

Sable and I have come up with something we like to call "the Aladdin situation". It's when you're super poor. So poor you're actually stealing fruit from carts, run through the market away from palace guards, and have a monkey for a best friend.

Then, I came up with the theory called "The Jasmine Situation"


If you were an actual child and watched "Aladdin" as a kid, then you might know what I'll be discussing in these next few paragraphs.

Let's pretend you're Jasmine. Yeah, you're some sexy arabic princess waiting in some tower for your prince to come and whisk you away to your "happily ever after".

However, if your Jasmine then you're definitely not satisfied with any of the suitable prospects your dad sends your way. All these guys are the best: can give you comfort for life, loves you unconditionally, will devote themselves to you. Basically, its the prince. But you're cooped up in a tower with no experience of the outside world, so what do you do? You run away. And who do you find? Aladdin.

That's right. The street rat that can't even rub two nickels together becomes your destiny. And you don't know how to explain it, but you love him and damn it you will kill anyone that gets in the way.

And that's the Jasmine situation. You fall in love with the guy that's definitely not the best guy you can be with, but you can't help but to love him.

Life at the Bottom of a Well

-You listen to a lot of Kings of Convenience
-You live in Manhattan with a view of Gramercy Park


-The person you love comes back with more love and appreciation than you remembered the first time
-You eat things you can't really afford, but charge it anyway


-You don't care about global warming because you live at the bottom of a well
-Everything you say is clever and witty and almost as if you've written it as dialogue for a romantic comedy

-You dream, wish, hope, and pray a lot.

It Was Hot, Sticky, And Completely Unnecessary

Gateway to more photos
Siren Fest 2008
It was ehhh...

Midnight Showing

SOGOODSOGOODSOGOODSOGOOD!

Interpret it any way you want.

Just like you said, fly with the seabirds.

I'm Really Into Tom Waits Right Now

And I remember quiet evenings
Trembling close to you...

Worked from 9:30am to 9:50pm

There's no air conditioning in the warehouse.
We had to suffer through the heat and count endless amounts of inventory.
Finally finished around 10PM and I even left early.
There were giant fans blowing through the warehouse.
But nothing can cut through the heat.
I drank an entire bottle of water, gatorade, and coke.
I ate a sandwich and a bag of chips.
I'm very tired right now.

At least my hair looks fabulous.

I keep on looking for answer, but I already know them

I feel like a kid in the middle of taking a test. You know all the answers because you studied all week for this test and you don't want to fail. You keep on second guessing yourself.

Even when you know all the answers and you've looked them over time and again, you just want to know if there is an alternative reality somewhere. Some place where you always get the opposite of what you want and the right answer is the wrong answer. No means yes, and that sort of nonsense.

I think I'm starting to piss people off. Yes, they come and talk to me and I don't mind that at all but I have been talking about the same subject for the past two months straight and I think people are sick of it. Because everyone else has something new and different to say but I don't. I always have the same thing to say and the only reason for that is because the answers I have are sufficient enough answers for me.

I need it to suck somehow. I need someone to tell me "yes, it's exactly how you're imagining it right now. This is the reality and that you can't change."

However, all evidence leads to the contrary. At least, this is what people are telling me. I don't find the things I say to be gossip. Sometimes I do spread the word, but it's only to one other person and I don't know. I feel weird keeping secrets. I can keep them, but there has to be the one person I tell so that I can have my "I told someone" feeling off my chest.

And although the people who know my secrets have told me time and time again that this will work out in my favor, I want to take a second look at the answers. Like the answers aren't sufficient enough to get me a good grade on the exam.

And all the answers are sitting in front of me, but I'm still panicking over the fact that these might not be the fullest or the right ones. Like the outcome is correct, but the work is all wrong. So, I start to fee anxiety and a wretch in my stomach because what I think is the right answer may not be the right answer after all. And when the right answers are coming from the person who made the test, well, how can I deny that they are right?

Maybe because the last test I took with them and had all the right answers were actually all the wrong ones and because they were wrong, well, all confidence that are right goes out the window.

So I sit in anxiety and with a nervous twitch and wonder if the right answers are the right ones. And just before I go and erase the answers and write something else in, the bell rings.

To run or to stay

I say, growing up is hard. Luckily, I live someplace where the trees grow slowly and the streets stay quiet.

I'm going to try and get my bike out this weekend after a visit to maison des mes parents.

U-lock spare anyone?

Why Does He Know Me So Well

I don't ever get to see a single tree when I look out the window.

I miss the trees.

It's Hot in Huuurrr

Summer...you are beginning to suck a bit.

Come back and let's go on an adventure.

Or I'll end up looking like this:

A Little Bit of Sanity

Although this post is a little bit late for the 4th of July, I finally figured out what I was trying figure out.

You see, I was having trouble figuring out what I did on the 4th of July two years ago. I know last year I went to Missouri and played with fireworks and burned myself a few times, but I couldn't remember exactly what I did 4th of July two years ago.

I remember being on a roof in Long Island City watching the fireworks through the cracks of an old billboard, but that was all I could remember. Then, this morning while I was looking at photos of this year's 4th, I remembered.

It was the second time I had seen Belle and Sebastian in Battery Park. I remember it was right after the cruise my family had taken together and I had seen this guy who actually hit on me at the bar during the late night parties every night. He was there wearing the exact same boat shoes I saw him wearing the night he hit on me in the Bahamas. I remember turning to Kyle and telling him who he was. He said, "why don't you go up to him. Isn't that your new boyfriend." He said something along those lines.

We had packed a lunch because it was noon and the show would probably last the rest of the afternoon. We ate and chatted while we waited for the band to go on and then it rained. I was the only person carrying an umbrella so Kyle, me, my sister, and her boyfriend at the time decided to huddle under the single person umbrella. We thought it would be a light rain, but then it ended up being torrential.

We watched the bands and slowly made our way back to the city. I was so happy.

I'm so glad I remember that. It was just a memorable day and I was afraid to forget.

We Went Bowling...Sort Of

There's this place in Greenpoint called "Gutter" where the booze is cheap and the lanes are clean. We decided to go the other night only find there a waiting line and a bunch of semi-hipsters having fun together. The place was extremely mellow. Think small bar in the middle of nowhere where the regulars talk to the bartenders for hours and people come to meet and have a beer. There's hard liquor, but you really can't get yourself to drink anything but beer here. It may also be the list of 10 locally brewed beers.






Do I have red marks underneath my leg from the seat?




Light it up.


Ok, maybe not.

A few days ago while at work, I saw:


A giant pile of rice.


Details of the rice.


Kids feeding cows.

Songs I'm Digging Seriously

Credit to Sable


Credits to the parties I go to.



Credits to Kyle.

Also, if you've heard me talk about Scarlett Johansson and her butchering of Tom Waits but haven't heard it here it goes.

Oh God. You might need to take something for the headache afterwards.

I Killed Someone

I set up a mouse trap in my office around my desk because some asshole mouse had been eating away at my paper. I didn't think it would catch anything, but this morning the trap was definitely tampered with and a dead mouse lay in its own sadness.

I killed a mouse. I think I should pray.

Roach Problem

So I have a small roach problem in my apartment. Basically, I'm spraying everything in sight even when I don't see a roach. Actually, I think I might have seen one roach in the couple of days I've been there. We keep a pretty clean ship and don't try to make too much of a mess. I'm a really anal person so if I see even a speck of something somewhere, I will clean it up...and then end up cleaning the entire apartment.

I try not to be that anal with the fact that I will clean the apartment myself in mind.

But as I was taking out the trash, I had decided to spray some roach killer in order to keep the bugs away before there is an outbreak. I shook the can and sprayed the appropriate areas (around the trash, behind it, around the stove, around the refrigerator). I had gotten a little bit of the spray on my hands but it was nothing that some soap and warm water couldn't take care of.

After my little spraying, we decided to watch Atonement and make some popcorn. We sat down and enjoyed the film and I enjoyed my popcorn. After a couple of minutes, I could feel my tongue tingling but I didn't know what it was. I dismissed it because it was tingly but nothing to concern myself with. Today, I woke up and my tongue actually feels a bit burnt. Granted, I could have burnt my tongue at any moment of the day because I'm just ridiculous like that.

However, something tells me that the roach killer really didn't come off my hands last night and I have been chewing on some popcorn tainted with Raid's forest scent bug killer. I'm not dead yet so I'm not going to panic but my tongue thing is really weird.

Only God Knows the Answer

D: i just read through your blog and i was wondering...why they hell aren't you writing for rolling stone yet?

I ask myself that same question every day of my life. I wonder why hasn't Rolling Stone come and read my brilliant blogs about conservative rockers or complicated rock and then I think again "oh because I'm a bullshit writer. Everyone hates my writing and only come to see ridiculous photos of me partying with my friends."

Gosh, my self esteem is low. I need a boost. Someone take me to a beach.

A Conservative Rocker

When I was in high school, people were always telling me that I am a rocker but with a conservative look. I never really understood what that meant because when I was in high school I was pretty...off the beaten path.

But now as I get older and my style changes I feel that that statement makes more sense. I have this very conservative look about me, yet I am still rocking out and pretty much as insane (or more intensely insane) than I was in high school.

I had never subscribed to one look. I wear what I like to wear and it's usually just some solid colored shirt and a basic set of jeans. I'm not going to go crazy. I don't wear clothing from vintage shops unless it suits my style and I don't wear insane prints or patterns that make me stand out from the crowd. I'm pretty basic. Or plain.

However, if you ever see me with my headphones on it's probably because I'm listening to something or some band you've never heard of before. Well, unless you're into the entire indie pop genre then you have. But then I've got some crazies in the mix that aren't really way below the radar. I've got my classic rock and my pop rock and my jazz rock. Let's face it, I like to rock.

But I don't look like I'm into that sort of thing. Actually, I think people think I'm one of those people who don't listen to music at all. That's just bizarre in my eyes because I don't think I know anyone who doesn't listen to music in some form or another. Like not even trance/techno music. Just nothing.

What do you do all day? Sit around and stare at the wall? Maybe it's because I'm an artistic person and must live with some sort of creative response mechanism either it be writing, reading, watching a movie, or listening to music every day.

Or playing Zelda all day on my DS. Yeah, life is dwindling.

I'm Done

My eyes are burning from the fumes.
I'm tired and the day has barely begun to begin.
Everything smells burnt and disgusting.
And the lack of circulation has caused the smell to creep into my room
And into my hair
And into my pores
And into my life.

I've dealt with this for too many years and every year I wish it will be the last.
I'm tired and my life isn't being governed the way that I want it to be.
I've got no energy left. I'm just tired all the time.

And my back starts to ache.
And my head starts to pound.
And it's about time for me to burn as well.

Time Marches Along and You'll Find its Marching Across Your Face

Jane Austen: Oh! do not attack me with your watch. A watch is always too fast or too slow. I cannot be dictated to by a watch.

Emily Dickinson: To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.

I think time has become my natural enemy. My impatience for my lack of life has come to a point where I want this to stop. Stop time, but not stop my life. But there isn't anything I can do about it unless I begin to live my life to fit the needs of how much time I have. Then, I remember that I have ample amounts of time because I am young and free.

Well, not free but free enough to believe that there is youth and freedom together. What I'm trying to say is that I'm scared. Time is moving us all along and life just keeps on throwing all these natural disasters. I keep on getting hit in the face.

The Moving In All Its Majestic Glory

Spoons from cereal boxes light up and show you crystal skulls.

The New Ikea

New York Skyline made out of cardboard boxes. Someone actually took the time to make all of this.

Shiny new shopping carts.

A lot of shopping carts.

Even a shopping cart for food trays.

Went to ikea for some furniture in bk. Amazing. Probably a tourist attraction within itself. Didn't bring my camera so here is what I got in phone mode. I'll probably end up going back there with a real camera but for now this is what I got.

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The best part was that I only live a few blocks away

Happy 4th btw
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I'm so exhausted

The day is finally over. I am slowly sorting through my clothes and putting them back in my dresser. I think I will pass out soon.
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The City that Never Sleeps is no Home to Me

Tonight is my last night in Manhattan. Starting tomorrow I will be a brooklynite. I was thinking about the last four years and how many times I've moved within those years and I moved four times including this one to brooklyn.

I moved from long island to flushing and then from flushing to nothern flushing then nothern flushing to the east village and now the east village to greenpoint brooklyn.

I almost feel like a nomad. I collect my things and scurry to another place. I don't think I've felt at home since I moved closer to the city. The place in flushing was temporary and time would only tell about the house my parents live in. Then living in manhattan is just another nomadic state. The rent always goes up or you're always getting kicked out or you sublet illegally and have to move out immediately.

So instead of spending my last night in manhattan partying or making plans for my july 4th, I'm sitting on the stoop of a church where people come to chant because I don't have keys to my apartment. And I'm sitting and I'm mulling over the years and how much I want something to call home. I guess anywhere I lay my head will be my home.

Speaking of the 4th, while everyone is out getting drunk and going to various BBQs I'm going to keep a low profile. The last two independence days I had interesting experiences for both but this year I want to just disappear off the map. Spend some time putting my furniture back together and sorting through my books and boxes of knick-knacks that I don't have the heart to throw away.

Maybe I'll have a celebratory drink later by myself.
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All My Old Music is Coming Back to Haunt Me

I think it might have been two years ago when I started to listen to something I like to call "complicated rock." I only call it that because, well, it's complicated.

It's not your conventional 4/4 time and it's got more than just your normal pop verses, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus. They're a little more complex either in sound or in lyrics.

Anyway, I stopped listening to a lot of this music because, I don't know, I wasn't in the mood for complicated rock. Now, it's coming back to haunt me. Not only have I started to listen to it again, but I am also going to listen to them for free at Siren Fest at Coney Island this year.

I'm pretty psyched since this will be the last time Coney Island will probably do anything like this before the construction. Rumors? Apparently Disney bought out a section of the famous beach to put up a resort. Yeah, because everyone wants to vacation on a beach...in Brooklyn.

I'm a frustrating mess

I go out. I dance. I drink a bit. I laugh and toss my head. I have a good time. But then I get so frustated because all I can think about are the frustrating things. I know my life isn't the way I want it and I know I have to be patient and wait for it all. But what do I do while I wait? I go out. I dance. I drink a bit. I laugh and toss my head.

I don't want to be rich and famous. I don't want hordes of people shouting my name and waiting on me hand and foot. I want simplicity in every part of my life. I want trees and wood and moderately priced furniture. I want to live and write and love one man for the rest of my life.

Then some days I want to conquer the world and travel to more countries than my grandfather. I want to be able to finally start living but it isn't going to happen any time soon. People think that you can live your life whenever you want but I think we are just on hold until our dreams do become a reality. And what do you do when you wait? Stupid things.

I go out. I dance. I drink a bit. I laugh and toss my head. I have a good time.
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Hidden Photos from Another Place

I look like a douche bag and I'm missing a leg.

Starting in July I Won't Write Ridiculous

I've been seeing a trend of just ridiculous posts of things that are just stupid. I think it's better for my career and my life if I just leave out the ones where I post how much I suck and how I want to eat healthier or something like that.

So keep a good eye out.

I was looking for some ideas for brooches in the coming weeks (that's right, I'm getting back on that) and one of my ideas was...hot pants. I did a google search and my results were good but this was just the icing on the cake.

The Feeling of Being the First OR The Feeling of Being the Last

Whenever I go to see apartments, I always unintentionally wear "beer goggles" or "rose-colored glasses." The second time I see the apartment, those glasses or goggles come right off and I see every flaw and every crack and every leaky faucet in the place. What I thought to be the most reliant and affordable place to live becomes a dump. "All it needs is a little TLC," is how they advertised it. It was either that or raise the rent to $2300 a month and have brand new everything. I can't afford that at this juncture of my life.

Then I went ahead and pondered everything else in my life. Whenever it comes down to something so small like taking a second glance, I have to ponder that thought with everything else I've done in my life. So I ask myself, "do you wear beer goggles all the time?"

I haven't come to a conclusive summation about this question. I think the only reason for this is probably because it's half and half. I tend to make a quick judgment about something from just one glance. Everyone tells me I shouldn't be judging people or things, but what people don't realize is that my mind is scattered that I change my mind about everything. Someone who turns out to be the greatest person alive the first time I meet them will be an utter bitch the second time. People who I get weird vibes from end up being my best friend.

And then this segues into what people think about me. And yes, you shouldn't be worried about what other people think about you but even though people say that they do. If you didn't care about what people thought about you, you would be one of the bums who craps on the train and then dances with a huge brown stain on their pants. You would walk around in the same t-shirt and jeans every day with no showers and lack of any type of hygiene. You wouldn't work. You wouldn't want to move out of your parents house. You basically are a sack of lard sitting on the couch watching porno in the middle of day while drinking warm beer. That's a person that just doesn't care.

But I hope when people think about me and judge me, they judge me as fairly as I do. Like in crime. "Innocent until proven guilty."

Whatever, this is ramblings that I've lost interest in.