In dreams, emotions are overwhelming

I've had a many dreams about you. Dreams that I wish so hard to be my reality. Dreams where we are best friends and we are happy in the state we are in.

But my reality is good as well. I feel like my dreams are seeping into my reality. I mouth the words of songs on the bus and toss my hair. I walk around with my arms up like a dinosaur. I laugh at things I think about in my head. My dreams are rushing deep into my reality and I am happy.

I'm watching "science of sleep" again at my parents house. I feel like stephan.

It's Labor Day Weekend

For the past year, I haven't been in school. Well, the main reason for that is because I finished school not because I dropped out.

And everyone is getting ready to go back to school with their shopping and their school gear and dorm stuff. I'm just assuming it's another long weekend and that I will have work on Tuesday. Lots and lots of work.

This week was completely out of left field. Our new manager started and our shipping department girl was out for a vacation. It's strange to be training your manager. It's suppose to be the other way around. You ask her questions and she gives you a firm answer. She's actually asking me the questions and I keep on telling her "it's your decision."

What I miss the most is that i won't be going back to school on Tuesday. I won't have to print out my class schedule and stand in line at Barnes and Noble and the Strand waiting to purchase my ridiculously overpriced text books. I don't even have to carry around a huge heavy school bag with books, music, pens, and my lunch. I will only carry...all of those things in a smaller scale.

It makes me want to go back to school shopping too. Everyone gets to buy new clothing and new digs while I have to wear whatever I own because rent is due on Monday. That and I'm fighting with my bank to get $200 back to my account. Bastards!

The worst part was this summer was a bust. I went on vacation with my family but it wasn't as enjoyable as I would have liked it because of certain somebodies. I didn't get to go to any free shows because I'm a whiner baby. I moved on one of the hottest days of the year. I went out A LOT. I got hit on guys who were looking for one night stands, cheating on their girlfriends, and only going to be in the city for a couple of days. I played video games, I read books, I watched movies (from DVDs). I wrote like 10 stories, but only wrote the first half and never sat back down to finish them (I will do this for the fall).

Basically, all I want is a warm fall bomber jacket from H&M that I missed out on last fall and a hot cup of tea sitting on the bench in the park and reading my book while listening to something like the Beta Band. I say, this fall will be the best if I like it or not.

I think Bhagli wants to go pumpkin picking...

I'm In Love With Her Now

Thanks Bhagli. You know how I love them crazy white chicks that dance to slow music.

Pen Wars

When I'm at work, I tend to leave my pen open and then I go ahead and start typing away on my computer. I forget that the pen is open and this is what happens to my arm. My sweatshirt looks worse than that.

Just Downloaded The Three E.P.'s by The Beta Band

Inspiration:



If there's something inside that you wanna say
You can say it alright it'll be okay
I will be your light, I will be your light
I will be your light, I will be your light

I need love
I need love

My New Story

I'm taking a break from writing like I seriously need a break from writing. Sometimes I can go on and on about nothing and then I reread and it's just pathetically sad memorial. No plot. No character building or conflict. Everything I write just becomes words and things that run and crawl across my brain day in and day out.

And when I get into these kind of funks, I can't help but to stop writing for a while. Writing what you know can be consuming and you get lost in the words and the memories because writing is all about what you can remember.

you and me

You





Me

Shake it off, Shake it off. Bob and Weave. Bob and Weave

I have been concerned with the wrong things. Mainly, I have been selfish. I have been focused on the things that I want rather than the things of other people.

I'm not saying that my life is perfect, but right now I have things under control. I've been doing a lot of writing and just having a good time with my friends and my family. I've been reading and doing my work at work rather than slacking off all the time. People don't know what kind of person I am. I'm really a big helper. I like to help out in any way. Seriously, I do. Maybe it's from all those years my mom would yell at me to help clear the table at my grandparents' house whenever we had a get-together.

I like to get my hands dirty. It also helps with keeping the monsters at bay. I don't have to think about my monsters then. But sometimes, I feel like I'm in a heavy weight fight against Mohammad Ali. I need to keep bobbing and weaving and not getting throw against the ropes and getting the shit beaten out of me. I'm pretty resilient except when it comes to my own worries. That's why I call them monsters in the first place. But the point in all of this is that I feel like I'm fighting Ali, but I'm not sure who's winning and who's losing. I get hits to the face and upper cuts, and I'm throwing some good punches and making some headway, but who is winning? How will we ever know the outcome of this stupid game.

I just got to shake it off. bob and weave. bob and weave.

Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one

Direction less
Passion less
Practice less
Creative less
Writing less
Motivation less
Boring more.

I Try To Look Hideous, But It Doesn't Work

A quote by Sable:

"Every time we leave Simone alone for any longer than ONE moment at a bar, she gets hawked by some Asian hipster."

The way guys grab at you at bars really makes me doubt the male race. "Excuse me, I'm trying to walk through a crowd and you are petting me. Stop."

Ugh. Once again, Gidget peruses the crowd to find Moondoggie decided to stay home tonight. I'm just here for some fun, which in Gidget terms means buying hamburgers and riding some sweet waves. Don't make it more difficult than it really is, boys.

I feel like this is what goes on in a boy's mind. They wait until you are emotionally dead inside and once they can sense that, they come around like some vulture to pick on the rest of your body.

CAW!

This has been the most scatter brained post I've put up. It's got one subject and bunch of things to say about it. In all honesty, I'm happy to meet people but I'm not happy to give away anything else besides my friendship right now. It's difficult to explain, but if you've read posts before this one then you know what I'm talking about.

Friday Night Prep

The Sex Eye.

Checked up on my missed connections. I got this:


Umm...where are my missed connections!

The Monsters Stole A Peek From My Closet

I tried to fight them back. They just wouldn't relent. As I pushed back each limb and furry foot back into the closet, I felt a sense of serious happiness. I have the hope that these monsters will finally rest. Of course, I can hear them scratching on the door begging to be released, but I just try and ignore them. There are more important things in life than the monsters hiding in my closet. I try to focus on them instead of the monsters. Soon enough they won't be monsters and they will become something even better like lobster friends.

I've been trying to write but the story I'm working on is a sad one. It's about the last few months and also about the next few months. I was really inspired by Josh Kilmer-Purcell's memoir. How he was able to change and grow and become a person that is capable of loving someone else and realizing that the life we choose doesn't have to be the life you live. You can always make the change and you can always get a second chance because every chance you take would be different. You have to have the guts and the balls to take the chance otherwise you'll be stuck.

And if you're stuck, don't worry. When you float, it's like you're filled with helium and flying like an escaped balloon. Eventually you will either be popped or deflate. Hopefully you will deflate and come to a safe landing instead of crashing head first into something you don't want to ever have.

I'm going to do more writing. I want this so badly. I want everyone also to know that even though shit goes down in your life, it doesn't mean that you can't always hope. You just got to ignore the monsters and hope the lobsters will show up soon.

Books and The Void

I just finished reading "I Am Not Myself These Days" by Josh Kilmer-Purcell and I found the story to be so beautiful and completely raw.

And as I finish the last page and sort through the various acknowledgments, I feel a sense of sadness. If anything, it's a sense of loneliness. I don't know where it came from and I'm definitely sure that I don't want its presence, but I need to realize that no matter what you do you will always be alone. No improvements to your life and no goals and dreams will ever take away the silence you feel when the movie is over or when the song is finished. You will always still hear and still feel the lull of absence wherever you go.

I feel it now.

Sable and I Sat in the Middle of Panda-Monium

Well, I think we missed the major rioting, but we were sitting on the benches by this muffin shop depicted with the yellow awning after the blowout. Cops everywhere. People assumed to be pandas and such.

I think Sable and I yawned.

Your Heart Grows Back Stronger

"What's the verdict, doctor?"
"Seems like it was just a false alarm."
The doctor puts his hand to his chin and begins to furrow his eyebrows quizzically. "Then why the stimulated heart attack?"
"It's hard to understand, doctor."
"Well, he went through the normal symptoms. Sharp pains through the left arm, smelling of something burning, his heart stopped. What would cause this man to feel this way?"
Both doctors look at each other and then back down at the patient. He rests peacefully on the hospital cot with a breathing tube down his throat and a black and blue bruise on his forehead from hitting the table at the restaurant before falling over.
"Does the patient have any relatives or friends to speak of?"
"There is a girl waiting outside."
"Well, send her in. She may know the answer."
A few seconds later, a short full-torsoed brunette walks through the door slowly. She gasps at first sight of him. She turns away and walks back towards the door. "Wait m'am. We wanted to ask you a few questions about the patient."
"I didn't do anything."
"We weren't accusing you of doing anything. We just wanted to get a scope of exactly what happened. You see, your friend went through the same symptoms of someone who suffers a heart attack. Except however, he didn't actually experience anything except the symptoms. His heart stopped for half a second and then restarted, which is an unusual case so a little bit of explanation is needed."
"I just said no."
"No?"
"Yeah."
As she whispered her answer, she walks out the door. The doctors stare at each other in complete astonishment. "What do you think that means?"
"I have no idea. I'm not very good with ways of the heart."
"But you're a cardiologist."
The doctor begins to stroke his chin yet again and look back over to the other doctor. "This is different."
They both shrug and take the steps to leave the room.




Grr.

You Play A Mean Guitar

I had rented "P.S. I Love You" from netflix. It took about a week to get here because the netflix delivery system had been delayed. They sent everyone an email stating so.

Perhaps the lateness of my movie was a sign that I shouldn't have seen it because for some reason, my tear ducts were overactive and I started to cry.

However, Sable told me something interesting the other day. "The writer of P.S. I Love You was 21 when she wrote that book."

That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

21?!? And what I am doing here? So, I decided to get back to writing and have been doing so since last night. I have work now (obviously) because bills need to be paid, but I will get back on it. I started a new story last night and have already written four pages without even break a dent into the story. I'm getting good at this. I'm also thinking about taking some writing workshops to improve and make some connections. I need this right now. This is what will get me in the door not sitting around moping wondering what the hell happened.

Thanks Sable and "P.S. I Love You". You have been a true inspiration!

Sometimes I Feel Like Jesus On a Dinosaur

I've been walking around with the mentality of a dinosaur. I think people are starting to look at me funny on the street. I want to scare them with my teeth and eat them for breakfast. Maybe collect a couple of the cute ones for dessert. Don't want to get too much cute in your diet. It's fatty.

As for the photo of Jesus on a dinosaur. I don't know man. I just found that googling "dinosaur." Creationism has taken its course to this...thing.

I did a comparison test on my dresser.

What it should look like



What it is.

Thanks Ikea for providing me with furniture that sucks and makes me cut my hand! Overpriced piece of ugly furniture. You'll pay for this.

At the Bar, they call me S50

This weekend. Hard to explain it.

But let me tell you, I looked good.

And then I looked like this:



I want to open my presents now!!!

The Invention of Dance

People misunderstand the healing powers of dancing. They perceive it to be something that gets good exercise in or helps the booze travel to the body. But what's more important about the power of dance is its inability to completely remove any feeling or understanding of what happened the last few hours.

There are variations to the invention, but there are small groups of people who believe dancing is a sense of freedom. One can be completely trapped in a life they no matter what they try can't escape and what better way to release from that tyrannical lifestyle than to dance until your feet are sore and everyone looks like one giant conglomerate of a human.

Why do bars and lounges and clubs become so popular and filled with the drunk masses if not only to congregate for one purpose: to dance their stupid lives away.

So I say cheers to you, dance around to your own soundtrack and maybe drink a cocktail or two.

From Mohandas Gandhi

Live as if you were to die tomorrow.
Learn as if you were to live forever.

The Difference Between A Bear and A Werewolf

First, it could be the fact that one is a mythical creature and the other is something really tangible by the human brain. I feel like a hunter setting traps for both.

Sadly, I've been catching a lot of bears. Bears aren't the most intellectual creatures alive. Why do you think they have bear traps then? If werewolves were stupid, then we would have werewolf traps, but we don't. Werewolves are cunning and vastly stronger and well, us.

Read up on your mythical creatures, people. Werewolves are human being turned into a wolf by the full moon. They hunt and feed all throughout the night and then when the sun comes up, they're their human selves again. It's like being a vampire, except that it's not every night of the week and not a burden onto you and your family. Maybe it can be if you consider three nights a month to be a burden.

It's easy to capture a bear because it uses its instincts, but a werewolf is part human. They will mull over the facts and overthink the decision to take the bait or not. This makes the werewolf far more difficult to trap. However, who wants to trap a bear when you can have a werewolf?

If being a werewolf means giving up because you're a werewolf, then consider yourself the worst werewolf in history. Did Michael J. Fox give up? Did Michael Jackson give me?

No.

So come out come out wherever you are...

VALIDATE ME!

So I have put up a poll on the right to hear some validation.

Come on, people. Am I wasting my time or do you guys actually like reading my blog?

Let me know!

Comment on this post if you want to you like...leave a comment.

I don't need validation. I'm just a crazy person. Psah...first thing I'm going to do is take down that stupid poll and secondly just continue on doing the things I do.


This is how I feel like doing this.



Please validate me...

Good Legs, Bad Legs

Party over here! Went to a house party with Sable and some of her friends. She drank water out of a large shot glass and everyone asked her "what are you drinking?"

She said, "water out of the smallest glass in the world."




This is the last time you see my legs in good condition. After this, a mosquito attacked me a few days later. I just realized this morning that I had a bottle of calamine lotion and began to proceed with the rubbing.

I now look like this:






So these are some really inappropriately racy photos of my legs. I didn't even realize how racy they were until I got to work and realized...NSFW!

and...NSA!

Let's not mention my face. I also got a bite on my face! This has not been a good week at all. Besides the mosquito bite on my face, my face is slowly turning into a pizza. I don't know what's up with that. I eat well, I sleep, I don't stress too much about stuff. I think it could be the fact that I wash my face with cold water every morning and every night. Well, when you have two faucets (one for cold water and one for hot water) then you end up using the cold one more because the hot is so hot that it scalds your skin. I wonder if there is any way to rip out that old sink and put in a new one. One with one faucet and two turners so that I can make some sort of lukewarm concoction of water...for my face.

I've finished reading Twilight and now reading this new book called "I'm Not Myself These Days" which is about a former drag queen's life. It's interesting because while I read it, I picture Patrick Swayze all in drag. I think that you are truly an accomplished actor AND very well secure with your masculinity when you will willing dress up in drag and act the part. Go them!

Then another thought popped into mind; that's how men are so damn insecure about their sexuality. I'm not saying that men need to go out and let other men know that that hat looks so great with your facial bone structure. No. Men should just be comfortable with being men and not be completely outcasted and marked as gay. Most women, if not all women, are completely comfortable with their sexuality. That doesn't make them a lesbian. I know that I check out women all the time. I'm not going "oh check out that fine piece of ass," but I'm saying "wow that dress goes so well with her figure."

The list goes on and on, but the important part is don't wash your face with cold water and be able to be your sexuality without the fear of being voted off the island. Yeah, they do that here in Brooklyn.

I Want You As My Best Friend

♫ let's run away together and find ourselves trap amongst the floating wheat.
kiss the pavement with our bare feet and skip through puddles of rain.
watch the planes fly overhead.
try our best to catch one with our bare hands.

let's make snow angels and call ourselves lucky to be alive.
make promises in the twilight.
it's so damn easy when you say it twice.
so hard to take it back.

let's keep our secrets a secret in pockets made for pants and bags.
turn our stove into a fire and make forts in the kitchen.
tell scary stories underneath blankets and sheets.
wait for the fireman to save us when we catch aflame.

let's be best friends and mean it.
catch ourselves talking about each other to our other friends.
make them jealous for not having the kinship we have.
fly to the moon on a single tank of gas.

let's miss each other when one is away.
say things we mean so much and never would want to take back.
i don't want to take anything back.
do you, best friend?

What Do You Think When You Think of Me?

Even at the slightest focus, I feel my heart start to race. My blood pressure rises and I begin to shake. Then, air gets caught in my throat, I feel my stomach flutter, and I begin to sigh. I feel tingles all throughout my organs and fingers. I almost feel drunk.

It's been a while. Even if you don't think it's been a while it has. And still every thought of you makes me feel the same way. Unrequited? Yes, I think so.

I'm sure of it. Well, now at least.

Happy-Go-Lucky And Gidget

I always felt a strange power from watching a movie or listening to a new album. It's almost as if the media is controlling your emotions and by listening to one song or watching one movie, your mood can change. Of course, this is only for the smallest amount of time because eventually reality hits you again and you're not that person you were a few second ago.

There's this new film that I'm desperate to go see because I want my senses rearranged and feelings redistributed so that my reality becomes a fantasy. It's called "Happy-Go-Lucky". It's a film about looking at the bright side of things and having the trouble to stay that way when everyone else sees things darkly.

I think if I go see the movie, I'm going to get caught up in its happy feeling like when I saw Garden State and felt a sense of life! It's all about the feelings, but how far does it go before it becomes a manipulation? The director wants you to feel euphoric and happy, but that's not the real look at life. You can have everything great and there would always be that one missing piece that will make you just miserable. You could be a success in everything you do, but even the happiest person alive has something to be sad about; they are sad that they are the only person who has everything fine and nothing to gripe about.

It seriously is a sick cycle of wants and needs. We want to be happy, but we just can't be that way because there's this one thing in the way of it and no matter how much we try to keep ourselves from letting that little thing get in the way, it always blocks our vision of what we dream of as happiness.

I spoke to a friend yesterday about the death of Bernie Mac. We talked about how he was a man created to make people laugh; a noble cause. He did a great job at it too, but now he's gone. It's always so sad to watch someone who did something so great like make the world laugh go.

Satisfaction doesn't exist without a little bit of sacrifice. The road is bumpy on this "trail called life," but we have to remember that there is always a clearing beyond the bumps. If not, then you got to create your own path. All of that sounds really cliched, but it gets to the point.

Live your life even when things are tough. I always complain about how I don't have money and I hate my job and all this nonsense, but I've come to realize that even though I have these gripes, I'm living a better life than most. You just got to believe that there is something out there beyond the terrible things that will motivate you to get it. You believe it and you know it to be true. Otherwise, you just float along in the world which is fun for a while but never satisfying.

I watched "Gidget" the other day by myself and as much fun as Gidget is to watch get into trouble, I feel a sort of connection with her. She helps Big Kahuna realize that although the life of a surf bum is carefree and worry-free, it's also very temporary. The feeling though must also be deafening. No goals, no dreams, no passions. It must feel like you're stuck in a white room with no doors; it's empty, uninviting and very cold. I assume that's why people want to get away from that feeling by occupying their time with other harmful things. Even if it's not harmful, it's harmful because it keeps you away from those goals, dreams, and passions. You live the life of a surf bum every single day and just never have the feeling of wanting to let that go.

I feel that being a surf bum could be fun for a little while like a summer vacation or a snow day at school. However, the real world is always calling your name and you've got to answer that call otherwise you'll be stuck in the movie theater with a small euphoric moment you just can't seem to let go.

TURN UP THE VOLUME! I TALK REALLY SOFTLY!

Intensity=Intense City

88Boadrum




Look who showed up!


Hi Mom!

Hi Bhagli's Mom!

The clouds were doing this amazing thing called being clouds and we wished we were jumping up on them.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Drummers at the ready...


Free silk screen t-shirts made right in front of you. (So you know it's fresh)


Skyline looked pretty damn good.

Angelic Bhagli.


Free plastic rain ponchos.

So, watching 88 drummers play for 88 minutes on 8.8.08 was more intense than anything I've ever seen. I felt shivers running up and down my spine the entire time and all I wanted to do was float overhead. I was in a trance, a daze, mezmorized. Amazed. It was so beautiful. I laughed in excitement and the intense happiness I felt.



I had the worst camera hand and everything was shaking. I had this amazing song they played on my camera too, but my camera decided to be an asshole and delete it before I could get a chance to upload it to my computer. It's amazing to watch this though.

Then we met up with Sable and headed to the Levee for a quick game of "no rules" Scrabble.




My letters sucked, but I still won.

I Will Be the One You Write All Your Songs About

Give me a reason not to back track.

Big lion-like doggie

Are you sleepy?
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

The Truth Lies

"Sometimes, my heart aches when I think of how much I love you."

"Then you should stop doing that."

"Stop loving you?"

"Yeah."

"If I stop loving you, then what's the point of being in a relationship?"

Weekends

I took these over the weekend when I went to see my friend Bhagli. I woke up to a cloudy sky and the damp smell of really badly laundered clothing.

It reminded me of when I used to go to Montauk every summer with my family. We would eat lobster and watch kiddie movies and hang out by the swing set in the middle of the night while 8th grade boys ask us what grade we're in.

It feels like those early morning walks I would take on the beach by myself and listen to nothing but the ocean tide rolling in and out. It was serene and amazingly useful to get lost in. Of course, I was always up before any of my cousins so I would do these excursions on my own. I would sit on the beach and just stare into the ocean. I do that a lot when I go to the beach. I find something comforting in the ocean; it might be the fact that it's always changing on you and how you can never rely on it. But the ocean is an ocean. No matter what it does in no matter what unpredictable pattern it makes, it's still just an ocean.

We haven't gone to Montauk yet this summer. Last summer was somewhat of a failure with all the couples around. All four of us cousins were in relationships and we all thought it was a grand idea to bring them along. In all honesty, I had much more fun when it was the four of us than the eight of us. I guess because they don't understand our inside jokes and they don't have the many years of memories either.

Oh well.

Get it, want it, need it, hold it, honey!

Without music, life would be a mistake.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Feist- I Feel it ALL!!

August and Finally THE CHANGE

August always seemed like the most somber month of the summer. Although it's the hottest, it's also a month of changes and realities and finding the next step in your life. Well, that's what you get for going to school for 22 years so you quickly feel and assume these things. The new year starts in August for me.

Nothing in particular has ever happened to me in August that would change my life forever. I don't think you can actually date those kind of things, but whenever it comes around to August, I feel like the summer is finally going to be over and the fall is just around the corner -my favorite season.

I always promised myself that I would enjoy the city in the fall. I think this year I will actually enjoy it by going to different parks and watching the foilage in this treeless city. The wind just seems to make me feel more at home. I usually sit in the park more during the fall months and just stare into the void. I'm not thinking of anything in particular, but it's just nice to watch everything around rather than be a part of it. It's like standing on the side of the road waiting for your ride and all you can do is watch the oncoming traffic. The cars just zip by as fast as you can and you're taking a moment to watch the clouds change or to see a squirrel dance around on the ground. I always feel at home when I'm sitting in the park with a good book and some good music and a great cup of coffee. Nothing could be more perfect for me.

I kind of miss that feeling the most; being at home. Over the last few months, my life has been moving at full speeds and I just want to relax and say "I'm home," but most times I think "anywhere I can rest my head". And trust me, I actually say this phrase in my head.

My horoscope said the other day that things would start to change in my life after the solar eclipse. It's August now; I have never felt more independent. Looking back at this years so far, I would say that it's pretty fulfilled. I've moved out on my own, I have lost some weight, I have started to write again, I have had my heart broken.

I mean, it seems like too much to be taking on for an entire year, but I think that the rest of my life will be going on this quick pace. One minute I will be eating cereal out of my plastic bowl and the next I will be dancing on top of tables topless at some skivvy dive bar. I'm not saying that this will necessarily be the truth, but I'm just saying that I should stop expecting things to happen because in the end, everything is unexpected.

I have been having these dreams of me naked. Never the same dream or a continuation of a dream, but a different dream all ending with me naked. I'm not having sex and most of the time that I'm naked is when there is someone around to see me naked. My mother says that it's probably my insecurities; that I feel like I'm missing a layer of protected armor around me. It could be true. I don't remember when I lost my armor, but my shields have been down for quite some time and I really want to them to go back up. The city is harsh, the last thing you want is your shield down otherwise you could end up as cold and bitter as its winters.


Listen to Shearwater. It's pathetically sad, but somehow it makes me happy.

I tried to save the girl I truly loved

To the Levee with all of you.

I need to start writing again

I'm a lazy writer. I have all the ideas, but I always come up with complaints to not write anything.