New Years Jitters

There is one thing that I'm really uncertain about and that's human emotion. Through my research and dedicated observation to the human kind, I have found that the human connection goes as deep as the human emotion. We are a tireless group of species that run from one human to the next because, well, we get bored.

And from that boredom, comes my uncertainty. Even when things are going great, one little comment can urk you into taking action against the human connection.

My example:

"I'm going to break up with her this weekend," he said to me.
"What? Why? Are you joking with me?"
"No. She's being annoying and I don't want that. I wanted to break up with her yesterday, but I realized it's New Year's Eve. So, I wanted to get in that New Year's Eve sex and quite possibly this weekend."
"Umm...ok." I was unsure. I didn't know exactly what to say or how to respond to someone reacting so harshly to a person who's "annoying."
"Any reason in particular as to why you are breaking up with her?" I ask.
"Yeah. She annoys the shit out of me."
"Yeah, that's what girlfriends are suppose to do," I said.
"Well, they don't ask you for money to pay your bills."
"What? She's asking you to pay her bills? That's fucked up."
"Yeah I know. It just didn't sit right with me. It felt wrong. I can't have that. I'm going to break up with her."

It's so scary that one thing you say to another can completely change the outlook of what could be a great connection. I fear this everyday. That's why I keep minimal human connection as possible. Now, the New Year is coming and I couldn't be more scared of my own personal human connection. Perhaps it's because I am living a half-life with someone else.

Half-there
Half-not

And at any moment like my friend, it will all be over. I told myself that I wouldn't let it get to this point. I wouldn't let my emotions and feelings get in the way of the friendship I have created, however, these things cannot be helped. So, I'm putting my neck on the line for a feeling in my stomach that can quite possibly be over in a simple photograph or confession or a stumbling into the wrong hands.

This doesn't make any sense. Fuck it. Take the risk, take the plunge. Human connection doesn't always last. There is also human disconnection. But I've got to live with both outcomes. I've got to be strong and weak and strong again.

Two Things I'm Thinking About On New Year's Eve

1. Man, tonight is going to suck.
2. Rent is due tomorrow.
   

Projects Projects Projects

Buttermillk Chocolate Brownies with White Chocolate Chips. It came out like this. I was concerned.


I finally got an embroidery hoop. Now, my projects look professionally done.


I just found this random photo of myself. I crack myself up sometimes.


My friend Z wanted a Gryffindorf scarf, but I thought that was gay so I used the same colors and am trying out a pattern I created by myself. I think it looks super tight.



WTF! TV on the Radio makes another album and it's automatically deemed "Album of the Year." It came out pretty late in the year too so I demand a recount!

This Year and Next Year

The New Year always tends to depress me a little bit. However, I'm going to make something good out of something I feel so bad about. This year, I'm going to do what I want and make what I want and live my life for crying out loud!

From this point on, I can't be afraid anymore. I need to make my own decisions and I need to feel that rush you get when you roll down that first hill on a rollercoaster. I'm going to get it done. The last two years seem like a stand-still for me. I'm going to do it this year. I'm motivated, I'm young, I'm on my own.

Every year since I was younger, I always started a new notebook. I just bought the new one today. I'm going to try and finish out this year.

Cheers.

Bake-A-Thon

I've made it my goal to bake every single night this week. However, I thought it was stupid to bake on Tuesday night as it will be the last time I'm baking at my house. Tomorrow, I start baking at my mom's (If you're reading this, mom, be prepared).

Sunday Night: Blueberry Muffins

The recipe called for milk but the weather outside kept me inside for most of the day so instead of 2% milk, I used soy milk. Still came out delicious and now, nutritious.

Sable has been yanking me to make Red Velvet Cake, so we decided to make Red Velvet Cupcakes last night.





The only part of this recipe I made any changes to was adding a little bit of peppermint extract to the cream cheese icing. It definitely brings about a "Christmas Cheer" especially when you go to the store and the store is out of green and red sprinkles.

Trips Let Down

I was offered a trip to Florida by my friend over the weekend. It would have been for the weekend and I would fly back before Christmas Eve. Sadly, I was thinking of my coworkers and the possible bombardment of work they would have to do along with their own on Monday and Tuesday. I couldn't possibly get over the fact that they would cursing and yelling and screaming at me because I had left them on the last two days before Christmas to enjoy the Florida sun and get some well deserved vacation time. So, I said no.

And I come into work on probably the coldest day of the year with no heat wearing three layers of clothing, my heavy down coat, another heavy down coat as a blanket, scarf and shivering chewing on half-frozen chocolate covered macadamia nuts and wishing I had said yes.

I have this irrational fear that I will get fired. I have to start this business with Sable and Grace otherwise I'll live in fear forever.

I Feel Like The Pepto Bismol Ad

No hunger
Stomach ache
Headache
Dizziness
Nausea
Upset Stomach

Sick? Hope not. At least, not this sick.

Push It Real Good

New Year's Resolutions

So I have been thinking about the things I want to improve and make better in my life for the year 2009 and I've been thinking hard. I've decided. Here is my tentative New Year's Resolutions (I might alter them here and there before the new year begins, but I'm going to make it a point to make sure these things happen).

1. Exercise and eat right: I've been trying to do the eat right part, but since it's colder out now, I have been taking fewer walks to Williamsburg and throughout the city. This was my cardio all throughout the summer.
2. Save my money: There are a lot of things that I want to purchase in 2009 (ie: felt, yarn, needles, packaging, etc) which don't come cheap. Also, there are some adventures I hopefully will want to partake in as well as getting the iPhone and perhaps even downgrading from my 27" desktop to a 13-15" laptop. Yeah, there will be clothing purchases too as most people think I'm still 18.
3. Go on adventures: This goes hand in hand with my second resolution. I've been feeling a bit stir crazy living in New York and definitely some fresh air and outdoors will give me a boost in my spirits (and a kick in the pants to hurry up and get your life going!)
4. SELL! SELL! SELL! This is one of my major goals for the year. I'm trying to build up the felt empire slowly, but it's hard to come up with ideas or make cute pins. Everything I see on etsy looks so damn polished and well made, while mine look like it took half an hour to make and somehow resembles poop logs. Getting into business with some of my cousins have also helped. Hopefully, money won't be an issue with us as it is with everyone else as I hate money.
5. Work on the novel: Yes, I've been working on the novel for decades, but since my friend Rob and I have been giving each other deadlines and the like, it's been really pushing me to write more. Hopefully, I won't get stuck in another rut this new year.

So I thought having five will be good. I don't want to overwhelm myself with too many resolutions and luckily being conservative with them will definitely help me to actually fulfill these goals.

Two questions for you, though.
A: What are your resolutions for this year?
B: What are you getting me for Christmas?

Also, a small sidenote. All those who are expecting Christmas gifts from me will have to wait until after the Holidays as I do not like having to be rushed to do things and this is what everyone considers "The Holiday Rush."

Is There A Light At The End of this Dark Dark Tunnel

Whenever someone talks about the economy or about the recession in the United States, I feel like I'm walking around in a dark dark tunnel. The owners of the company I work for gave a speech to everyone at headquarters about how terribly we're doing this Christmas. You don't stop to think about these things, but when you do stop and think about it, you feel blind.

At least I feel blind. I'm not the type of person to keep up with what's going on in the world. All I know is that there's a war in Iraq, we have a black president, and that there is not enough money printed in this world to give a damn. When I was little, I used to not worry about the economy or the strength/weakness of the dollar bill. I always thought there was money being printed everywhere and everyday. Money was so easy to get your hands on as long as you work hard and earn your bread.

Now I know better. And sadly, I'm jealous of the people who don't have to live in this economy. I don't like having to worry about money or where I'm going or what my plan for my future is. I always feel so dizzy running around in my head. I'm always walking in the dark tunnel.

I know what I want. I know I have to work to get it. I know that I won't be able to get everything, but I will have to get some. I know I live by the phrase "beggars can't be choosers." Well, I'm sick of being a beggar.

Waking Up With Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.


Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. 

My Theory About Music

I feel like a lot of people I know have been getting more and more involved with music. Either listening to it or wanting to play it, remix it, sample it, whatever. I endorse all of it. Anything to enhance the best form of media out there.

So here's my theory: you've got to love the classics. Yeah, a lot of the new music these days is great even the pop music, but you can't forget the classics. These are the roots and groundwork for everything in the world. I'm not talking music as far back as the Cure or the Smiths or the Velvet Underground, I'm talking even further back towards Elvis Presley, Muddy Waters, Nina Simone, blues, rhythm and blues, country, folk, rock and roll, etc.

Maybe because I feel like the eternal student, I just feel like this is essential if you love love music. If music is your second head or heart. If you can't live without it, if it's like air to you. You got to listen to the classics too.

So stop disco dancing, you crazy electro-kids. Listen to your parents LPs for a while.

Plain Gold Ring

I heard this song originally from White Magic, but then when I was looking for it on youtube, I found it was a cover of Nina Simone.

Amazing.

My other Pile of Work

My pile of work

The right pile is work to be done. The left pile is all the work I've done. God save me.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

I Love Spur of the Moment Trips

I can't wait for the new year. It already sounds better than 2008 (which sucked balls btw).

I'm Drowning In A Sea of Paper

I'm slowly sinking away. Pulled and stretched and thin. I'm just doing what everyone tells me to do. I'm done with thinking on my own.

Good Morning Track

I'm about to slave away at work where I am just a robot. I need to get through Christmas before I completely snap.

Yeah, He Loves You Even Though You Used to Say You Were Flawed If You Weren't Free

I baked cookies with some little tweaks here and there to make them my own.





I really don't think I'm at that stage yet. Gonna stick with recipes for now.

Oh Keith, I'm so proud!

Whatever Happens Today, Tonight I'm Baking Cookies

The past few weeks have been really harsh for me.

Weak Week

I have been so busy at work that I haven't had time to sit down and write an enjoyable post. I'm still pretty busy but I will get to some details later today. Just writing to let you know that there will probably be a long lull of nothing from me for a period of time. I work in retail and the demands of business at Christmas are more important (pffttt).

I want the Shades drawn and overgrown lawn

I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm a folk-y type person. Yup. I have been listening to a lot of this genre called "Freak Folk" or "Psychedelic Folk" and I feel like the whole experience is kinda...dumb. Because I feel good. Not weirded or odd. hmm..

Anyway, I've also come to the conclusion that I can't do flowers for pins. Flowers and cute things; it's just not in the cards. I'm really good at making really naturally beautiful things like willow trees and pussy willows. I think I'm going to go for some things to grow around swamps next. Also, I also want to do a series of pins based on songs by Mount Eerie. I just downloaded his new album last night and OMG. OMG OMG!

Yeah, i feel like fanning out a bit because he's just so incredible. I'll talk more later about the music I've been listening to. You'll be excited, trust me.

What Do I Want With My Life Now That You're Gone

I want your ghost gone.

Work in progress.

And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you

Been working on some felt pins again. Well, actually just one. I have been having trouble trying to decipher whether or not it actually looks like what it's suppose to portray. Here's a photo of what it's suppose to be:



Here's what I have so far:



It's coming along!